Here is the first of (hopefully) many journals/prayers that I'm going to continue to write.
Here I am again, too weak to confess what I must. My hearts breaks and yearns and turns and falls all over again. God, I’m stuck in this never-ending cycle of failure and forgiveness. Why do you let it go on? Why don’t you just cast me away and remove your grace from my life? Surely it would be far less pain.
But that isn’t the plan.
Oh God, what do you have planned that I could possibly get through? I’m so weak in my nature, and so corrupted in my desires. Holy Spirit, why do you stay in my heart? I know what it’s like to be ignored, to be utterly disregarded when your opinion would save trouble. It’s hard to see people struggle.
I’ve lived too long in your presence to deny that you exist, but some days I want to curl up and die outside of your reach. But where would I go, Lord? You reach from the highest of heavens to the depths of Sheol. There is no Truth, no Beauty or Life without you. And as such, this weary sinner crawls ever onward toward your presence, even when it burns like a fire in my bones.
I see you in my life every day, and can’t help but notice everything that you do for me. Why? Why bless me and leave me to sin without a single excuse? Why do you make the pain in my life trace directly back to myself and my choices? Why couldn’t there be an external battle?
But I know two things: For now at least, blessing is in itself my temptation; I have become comfortable and complacent. I also know that you are a God who hears prayers and answers them, so I dare not ask for what I don’t truly want yet. I want to serve through learning for now, amassing knowledge to be a servant of the Light later on.
God, please help this weary sinner.
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